WRITING SHORT - THE FINISHED DISH:

COMPLIANCE

From: gabe@hnmail.com

To: lou@hlmail.com
Sent: Day 8 19:11:26
Subject: Compliance Testing - URGENT

Dear Lou

I've just been made aware of events today during compliance testing, and the situation we face as a result.

Under your supervision a substance SPECIFICALLY CONTRA-INDICATED FOR CONSUMPTION has been ingested and a large and dangerous predator has been, and apparently still is, roaming abroad in what was a controlled habitat, whose recent inhabitants are now nowhere to be found. They may be poisoned. They may be dead. Need I say more?

This is the most unbelievable mess. I need to know what you are doing to remedy it.

Gabe

From: lou@hlmail.com

To: gabe@hnmail.com
Sent: Day 8 20:23:08
Subject: RE: Compliance Testing

Gabe -

Sorry for delay; bit busy out here. We do indeed have a situation! :-) But I'm sure you remember, the purpose of today's events (all of which were cleared at our last meeting), was simply to TEST individual compliance to environmental guidelines. The guidelines were yours, and were tested as agreed.

I can only agree with your summing-up of the state of affairs on your property, but these events took place under my observation, not my supervision. I don't have authority here, I'm simply the sublicensed provider of the services set out in the tender document.

You know how I am with detail!

Thanks and best

Lou

From: gabe@hnmail.com

To: lou@hlmail.com
Sent: Day 8 21:34:08
Subject: One question

Lou -

WHERE IS THE F*CKING SNAKE?

From: lou@hlmail.com

To: gabe@hnmail.com
Sent: Day 8 21:40:41
Subject: One answer

It's a cold-blooded reptile, the sun has set, so I imagine it is asleep.

From: gabe@hnmail.com

To: lou@hlmail.com
Sent: Day 8 21:43:17
Subject: WHERE IS IT F*CKING ASLEEP??????

From: lou@hlmail.com

To: gabe@hnmail.com
Sent: Day 8 21:45:33
Subject: IN THE TREE

From: gabe@hnmail.com

To: lou@hlmail.com
Sent: Day 8 22:21:16
Subject: Start again?

Dear Lou

The snake appears to have suffered nothing worse than a bit of bruising, but it's citing its terms of employment and refusing to answer any questions. And I don't have time to argue – with it or with you. I need hardly set out for you the consequences if the garden is not restored to its original state complete with both inhabitants by dawn. Remember the dinosaurs, and the row after that?

We have to find them and we have to find them now. Please help!

Gabe

PS: I apologise for my tone before. I have been under a great deal of strain and overwork for the last week.

PPS: We also still have to locate the remains of the apple.

*

• Lou? Lou, are you there? You're breaking up.
• ….somewhere near Pishon, Gabe. I'm seeing a lot of onyx-stone.
• Is there any sign?
• ….something. Hold on -
• Lou? Lou?
• Sorry mate, no joy. It was one of those – what did the Boss call the stripey things?
• The stripey things? The big stripey things or the small stripey things?
• Smallish. Whiff a bit.
• Skunk.
• Skunk, huh? And the big?
• Zebra.
• Skunk and zebra. You gotta hand it to him. I mean, the invention!
• So it was a skunk?
• Nah. Zebra. You know, I loved the dinosaurs.
• I know you did, Lou. But right now -
• I mean, their singing! The colours of their fur! They were the Boss's best. But I said right from the start, they were totally over-engineered. Any creature that specialised is going to have a problem coping with change. And I think compliance testing proved me right on that one, too.
• It did Lou, it did. That's why he's trying something different. Something simple and undemanding. We just have to find them, Lou, that's all -
• Yeah, I worry about them.
• You worry about them? Here? You worry about them here? In Paradise?
• Yeah. I mean they're so – they're so puny. Half the other stuff out here could have them for lunch. And if I can be blunt -
• Go ahead, Lou.
• I mean, they don't look good. They have those bits that wobble. They don't even match. And they're a bit – you know – witless, somehow. The way they just wander about, pointing and smiling, and being obedient... I dunno. It looks like there's something missing, to me.
• Lou -
• I mean, is there a plan? Is there a point to them? D'you think there is?
• Lou -
• Because if there were, it might be useful to know. It might be good to know. It might be nice to be trusted -
• Lou?
• …............
• Lou?
• …...........
• Lou! LOU!
• Oh Gabe. Oh Gabe, you should be here. You should see this.
• You've FOUND them?
• Yeah, they're here. Safe and sound. Asleep on the river bank. Wrapped right around each other. Oh, it's sweet.
• Asleep?
• Yeah, right out. Oh, it's special.
• Is – is it the rib thing? Is it that again?
• It's not the rib-thing Gabe, can't be. Ribs all present and correct. So I'll just bring them back, yeah? Back to the tree?
• Back to the tree is fine. Back to the tree is perfect. I can't believe it. Oh, Lou -
• Yes Gabe?
• The apple. Is there any sign of the apple?
• No sign.
• Nothing?
• Nothing. Not even a pip. Oh come on. He'll never notice. All's well that ends well, eh?
• I guess so Lou. So long as they're safe -
• They're fine. Bit flushed-looking maybe, but otherwise right as rain. In fact they look good. Better. Forget the apple, Gabe. I mean – who'll ever care about that?

******************